Dismantle Old Thinking
Knead the dough of your desire
Baking bread with the dough of old thinking…
The dough of my latest ‘Ew’ moment
I was smiling as I walked up the hill to join friends for coffee and cake. Unwittingly, I walked into a weirdness...
As I approached the café, in my happy unknowing, appreciation spilled out of me: a wide, smiling river these days… I sighed with contentment as the torrent poured through…
‘I love the sky and its mirror, the ocean;
the gulls — so high overhead!
I love being FREE to follow my inklings…
I love the abundance that makes life so sweet.
I love, love, love, love, love…’ the stream makes a mantra for my feet.
Life beyond the tipping point — 90% of my moments these days dissolve me in delight. ‘Love, love, love…’ beats my heart. I kiss each new day on my calendar every morning. I bask in its blessings every night…
And now, cake! And friends for the relishing.
Soon we were seated round a small, mosaic table. My friend introduced me to Eddie, her husband*. We leant in as we shared stories of how we met our partners. Feasting on the origins of love...
I told the tale of how Michael and I met, it’s wonderfully romantic. Love at first sight, and then some! Even more romantic is how our love builds now, day by day after his translation.
It thrilled me to speak of how I imagine Michael, in ‘Wireless Fidelity’ now… How I’ve ‘installed broadband’ to receive him. How I choose thoughts that bring smiles and how that grows my joy…
So there I was, smiling, unsuspecting…
We talked about beliefs and religion and philosophy. It was warm in the café. The company was kind.
I see it now: I shouldn’t have said that I used to be a Christian, that these days, I’m more of a believer in Love. Spiritual? Absolutely. Religious? Not at all.
I hadn’t picked up on the fervour at my side.
I should have seen it coming.
I wasn’t ready for what Eddie, in his kindness, did next.
First, there was his swift gifting: a little tiny book from his backpack. Daily Bible readings — given with a sympathetic look. I accepted the booklet, but winced at the pity that came with it.
Then, café closed, we stood on the pavement, saying our farewells. Eddie looked me in the eye and asked if he could pray for me. It was a kindly offer. I could harldy reject it.
I thought this was inspired by the death of my husband, though I thought I’d made it clear how well we were, my love and I.
I thought he meant he’d pray for me in the quiet of his heart.
I thought he would wait til he got home.
Instead, Eddie put a hand on my arm and closed his eyes…
There, on the pavement, he bowed his head and prayed over me.
Out loud.
Eddie meant well, I know that.
There he was, a keen, kindly stranger, offering me up to Jesus.
He wanted to uplift me, to bring me into fellowship.
Instead, he had the opposite effect.
Stomach churning, toes curling, I couldn’t wait for his praying to end.
What was it about such a kindly encounter that knotted my stomach?
It felt so… off.
It sure put a crimp in my smiling… but why?
The answer came as I walked to my car.
Eddie saw me as a soul in need of saving.
A sheep, strayed from The Flock.
In his eyes I had fallen from grace.
This prayer wasn’t soothing the loss of my husband. It was shepherding me back to the fold.
Eddie saw himself as my rescuer.
That felt so repellent!
It took days to knead the dough of the desires of that ‘Ew’ moment. But as ever, it was well worth the effort.
The desires of this ‘Ew’…
I worked on the desires from this little Ew moment. I could have ignored it, but it would only have grown into more.
(‘That’ll fester!’ a beloved friend quotes Peter Kaye…)
The emotions — revulsion and anger, resentment and seething, humiliation and shame — guided me back to alignment, as always.
Journaling looked something like this…
(My Dream Team in bold italics; Love capitalised = unconditional love)
I know I’m out of step with my Self… How does my Inner Being view this?
With Love. Only ever with Love.
How do I Love one who sees me as inferior? Who triggers decades of of feeling that way? It’s shocking, how much I dislike this well-intentioned person attempting to uplift…
How do I make myself love him?
You don’t.
You Love yourself — even as you ‘hate’ him.
Love yourself. Love even your loathing.
It’s your loathing that splits you from yourSelf.
This encounter has you split between the fury of a self who feels ‘disrespected’ and your true Self who feels only Love for Eddie’s kindness.
Your true Self sees only Eddie’s desire to uplift. The ‘unwanted’ is simply screened out.
Your true Self can’t access thoughts of ‘disrespecting’. They cannot and do not compute. Thoughts of demeaning have no place in Love. There is no ‘less’, only more, more, MORE!
You’ve got to catch up with the Greater Loving Self this encounter created. You want to let yourself get up to speed.
What would it take to get me ‘up to speed’ with Me?
If you could take your puppy-mind off to other places, if you could focus consistently somewhere lovely instead, that would do it.
But you’re a little too programmed to fix and figure outcomes, so you might find it easier to knead the dough of your creation and then leave it to prove…
Tell me more!
Kneading the dough…
Knead the dough by Loving the desires in this mix.
Love the desires you have yet to uncover.
Love your desire to find the gift in this event.
Love wanting to be one who feels the hit and then opens, quickly, into the expansion.
Love wanting to be one who Loves, come what may…
Love wanting to be one who blesses all ‘rescuers’…
Love yourself — for you’ve gone into ‘rescue-mode’, wanting to help others in times gone by.
Love yourself for taking on other people’s worries, even though they’re not yours to soothe.
Love yourself and Eddie for wanting others to thrive.
Love wanting to feel the fullest reach of Love.
Love wanting to Love your own intentions, always meaning well, always wanting to uplift.
Love wanting to Love those intentions in others, to see beyond behaviours to desires at their core.
Love wanting to dissolve your need for respect.
Love how this frees you from validation-craving.
As Eddie sees ‘less’, you get to be more!
Love the gift of contrast — how it expands your desiring.
Love how all of life causes you to be more.
Wow. That’s good!
We know! Kneading the dough is fun!
You work your way into freedom by Loving your desire to feel better.
Now, leave the dough to prove.
Go out and play!
Leave the dough to prove
It’s funny how easy it was to leave the topic alone once the kneading was complete. I skipped off to play like a five year-old. I went off to the sea. I bought a new bike! I painted, I cooked, I danced in the kitchen…
I noticed then how the Eddie Encounter began to make me smile. As I touched on the incident it was soft and light inside me. It was ready for the baking, to yield its loaf of bread.
I journalled on…
There’s an emptiness in this space now. As I imagine putting the dough in the oven, as I surrender it to heat, there’s an emptiness… What’s that?
This is the emptiness that opens into freedom. In this emptiness the knots in your stomach release.
“At the doorway of emptiness,
All knots come loose.” — Rumi
Emptiness is the release of your desires; handing them over to the power that creates worlds. There’s no going back now.
You are forever ‘more’!
The kneading, proving and baking in our analogy equate to stages of creation.
The contrast hits — you have ingredients in your dough.
You knead the dough of desire by Loving what you want to feel about this experience. You Love your desire from every angle, without getting stuck in the specifics.
Then you let go of the topic — this is the proving. You let it rise by itself as you head off to play. Your work is done.
Once you’re feeling free and easy, you’re ready to imagine the bread that is to come. The dough goes in the oven.
The ‘baking’ is where you start to relish thoughts about the bread. Not because it’s necessary, but because it feels good.
You savour the feelings of your desire fulfilled. How good it will be to feel light and Loving — towards Eddie, towards yourself, towards the whole episode!
You can smell the loaf as it nears readiness to eat. Your desire becomes delicious. Your mouth waters at the thought of what’s to come. You don’t need this bread, but you’re Loving its becoming.
You dream of Loving self so fully that when others find you ‘lesser’ it simply makes you smile.
You don’t have to force the feelings; the bread is baking for you, it will be finished in good time. You simply enjoy knowing that the bread is in the oven. The desire is in the final stage of creation.
That makes sense! I love the idea of bread baking… Mmm the smell! Delicious! Loving my desires as they approach fulfilment… And there’s no rush… the baking stage itself is delightful. Yes!
Exactly. There’s no rush. See how you can enjoy all the stages of creation? Every part of it feels good, as you anticipate the treat of that hot-buttered mouthful, melting on your tongue…
We have to be ready to dismantle our old ways of thinking, don’t we? To stop figuring and fixing and explaining and more…
It’s the only way to enjoy life in all its unfolding… Allow new thoughts to rise within you like leaven in the mix. As you fold yourself in Love, you allow the dismantling…
Dismantling can feel good, like knuckles kneading dough. It doesn’t have to be a disembowelling!
Knead your desire with hands of Love.
Enjoy your creating.
Feel the brilliance of your baking.
Nothing tastes better than freshly baked bread!
*Not his real name.
Acknowledgement: My blogs, my coaching and my life are founded on many wondrous teachings, most particularly those of Abraham-Hicks